Preview Review: Conan The Barbarian

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Release Date: August 19, 2011

I liked it better when it was called Conan The Barbarian. Oh, wait.

If you ever wondered what a Conan The Barbarian movie would have been like without Arnold, without James Earl Jones, without Mako, and without any of the other things that made it the cinematic gem it is in the first place, well, this is it.

Conan The Barbarian follows the story of a Conan named Barbarian who travels the land of Hyboria in order to avenge the death of his family, and the slaughter of his village. It’s yet another uninspired remake of a film that was already good enough the first time around, and that ended with closure. No one was asking to see this remade, which makes it doubly sad that after least thirty years gone by, the original still stands tall over this heartless, by-the-numbers remake. For all the rock beats and action scenes pulsing in throughout this trailer, this movie does very little to excite the audience’s imagination.

But what is it exactly about this movie that doesn’t work?

Let’s start with the obvious. It’s a remake of Conan The Barbarian. By retelling the same exact story we already saw in 1982 with Arnold Schwarzenegger, the producers have already shot themselves in the foot. There is no new idea to grab the audience’s interest. No new concept. If you’ve seen the original movie, then you’ve seen this movie frame by frame. The only noticeable differences are the cast, the tone, and the overall art style.

The director of this project is one Marcus Nispel, who remade the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Friday The 13^th. Sitting on the writing staff are Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer. Together they wrote Sahara, and Dylan Dog, and now they’re writing Conan the Barbarian.

However, perhaps the most important man in this movie is the main lead himself. In this case a Samoan actor appropriately named Jason Momoa. Ultimately it is Jason’s lack of presence that really makes this film stand out as dull and unimpressive. In all the scenes we’ve seen of him from the trailer, all we see him do is grunt and snarl and stab some people. We learn nothing of his character, and Momoa Samoa undergoes no discernible character journey. Where we remember Arnold Schwarzenegger cursing Khram, spending his childhood spinning a wheel (now known as Gold’s Gym), and citing the three most important things in life (tips he would later use to win the California governor’s seat), all we see from Momoa Samoa are a montage of scenes where he grimaces at the audience.

It’s clear that the reasons for making this film have nothing to do with storytelling, and everything to do with walking away with a bag of money. But if they really wanted to milk the Conan franchise, they could have just put the old movies back in theaters. Lucas is doing it. Why can’t they?

Conan The Barbarian

Not Recommended For Theater Viewing.

Watch the original instead. Or better yet, read my books.